Yaoi To Make You Reconsider our Sanity
by RedWolfMoon
Summary: This is a group of oneshots that Selenemoon118 and I came up with. We have a class together and started on the subject, and she came up with most of the ideas...I fill them out...Selenmoon118 has a weird imagination. M for later chapters
1. Ed on Crack

A/N-Me and my friend, Cassandra Kellar or Selenemoon117 were talking anime and my yaoi obsession. Somehow we got on dream topics and so this fanfiction is both the work of her and me. She came up with most of the ideas, and I fill up the chapters….mostly because she can't do lemons. Also this is just a bunch of one-shots. They shall have NO sequels. I'll just do different one-shot yaoi pairings in this, and both Cassandra and I will make most of them.

Ed on Crack- has anyone wondered how people act when Ed's on crack?

Ed had no idea why he took it, that damned drug. Maybe it was the pressure…the guilt…maybe even the loneliness. He just couldn't deal with it anymore.

Even though Al already had his body back, and General Bastard had convinced him to stay when Ed had tried to destroy Germany's gate, Ed still felt the cold empty hole that was his soul.

So when a stranger sold the damn crack in the alley, Ed had bought a dose. He never did drugs or even smoked. Like mentioned before, Ed couldn't deal with the pressure anymore.

Ed had taken the crack, and made his way to his office. He had been promoted to General, and Roy was now the new Fuhrer.

As Ed just about reached his office, he started to feel the dizziness affects of the drug…_'How could I be stupid enough to take that stupid Crack?'_ Ed thought to himself.

Shaking his head, he made his way to his desk and flopped down, eyeing the paperwork. He sighed, brought out a pen, but just as he started to write the E in Elric, Hawkeye showed up.

"Morning Ed…are you okay? You seem like you don't feel that well."

Ed smiled softly at her and nodded. "Yeah, just a little dizzy. I didn't really get that much sleep last night. So…is there a particular reason for coming here other than to see my sexy body?" Ed joked.

Riza smiled fondly at the teen she considered her little brother.

"Why else would I come here Edo-kun?" She smirked. "Mustang wants to see you. Something about subordinates being placed in your care."

Ed groaned and stood up a little shakily.

"Ed, are you sure you're alright?" Riza asked concerned. "If you want, I'm sure Roy would let you go home and rest."

Ed shook his head and started off towards Roy's office.

"Naw. Like I said, I'm just a little tired. Seya sexy!"

As Ed's blonde hair disappeared in the crowd of officers, Riza shook her head in wonder. Something was off with the General today…something bad was going on. Maybe Roy would find out what was wrong.

Ed slowly entered Fuhrer Mustang's office, wondering what the bastard wanted.

"Welcome Edward." Came a weird familiar voice. "I've been waiting for you." A click was heard behind Ed as the door locked itself.

'_Huh?'_ Ed thought. He then looked around the room to find…

'_OH MY FUCKING GOD! ROY'S ASS HAS A FACE!_'

Roy stood with his back facing Ed, his pants and boxers nonexistent. On Roy's butt was what looked like a mouth.

"Edward…you look sexy in a miniskirt." It said, looking Ed up and down.

'_WTF?'_ Ed looked down, only to find that he was wearing nothing but a skintight navy blue miniskirt. _'OMFG! WHY THE HELL AM I WEARING THIS?!' _

"Come on Ed." Roy's ass continued. "You know you want to."

Ed arched an eyebrow, cautiously sitting down on the couch, his guard solid as steel.

"Want to what?" Ed asked. His voice cracked a little with fear. He didn't like that Roy's ass was speaking to him.

"Let me blow you."

Ed stood with his eyes as big as saucers in shock as the butt moved towards him, the mouth opening showing teeth and a tongue.

Ed then looked down only to find that his miniskirt was missing. Oh how he missed the hated skirt.

"What. The. Hell. Are. You. Doing. MUSTANG?" Ed screamed. "WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO TO YOUR ASS?!"

The butt then chuckled before stopping a few inches away from Ed's body.

"They call me The Terminator." It said in a goofy/serious military monotone as it licked Ed cheek with its tongue.

"Muahahaha! I shall obtain WORLD DOMINATION by getting you to give me an ORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

It bit Ed's penis as Ed screamed, shooting up from the couch he was lying on. Ed wildly looked around the room, only finding Roy's face staring down at him like Ed was crazy.

"Ed…you okay? Riza told me you haven't got any sleep…here, let me get you some pills…" Roy then turned to get the pills, when they all spilled on the floor.

Roy cursed and bended over to pick them up…his ass ending up in Ed's face.

Ed stared at Roy's butt in fear, the dream he had still fresh in his mind. He quickly claps his hands and slammed them against Roy's butt.

"What the HELL FullMetal?!" Roy shouted as his pants transformed into a paper weight.

Ed stared wildly at Roy's faceless butt and shuffed the huge paperweight up Roy's ass.

"UUAHHHHHHHHH!!!!" Ed screamed, flinging up his hands and running from the office, down the halls, and out of Central Headquarters.

Roy stared blankly at the spot where Ed had been a second earlier as Riza walked in.

"Here." She said, a hand covering her eyes as she handed him a pair of pants. "Maybe you should work on how you wake up teenagers, Sir." She said, giving him advice. "They have very weird dreams these days."

A/N- So, how'd you like it? As I said, this is a one-shot, and the next story have a different plot, and perhaps a different pairing…yaoi of course. Remember to give Cassandra credit as well. She gave me the idea and I made it to a story. She'll be helping me in the future as well.

Ja ne!


	2. Alchemy Assessment on Mt Alchel Pt 1

A/N- I got a good amount of reviews last time. I'm very pleased. This story was assisted to me by Allyn Jordan, a really good friend of mine. Credit goes to her as well. Last story was Cassandra, this story is Allyn. She has stories on fanfic, but then again, she asked me not to reveal her username because her stories are not yaoi. She just helps me because yaoi is one of my gods. Also, this is mostly smuttiness…

**Alchemy Assessment on Mt Alchel Pt. 1**- a new type of assessment 

"Colonel Bastard." Ed growled, shivering in the freezing cold. "Why the HELL did I COME HERE?!"

"B-because." Roy said, shivering. His teeth clattered as he sat across from Ed. "It's the assessment. This year that bastard Fuhrer decided that giving us FROSTBITE would be _FUN_**."**

Ed gave Roy a funny look before glaring at the teenager/man sitting next to him who was grabbing Ed in the ass.

"Envy." Ed growled. "If you don't STOP trying to MOLEST me, I'll FUCKIN KILL YOU!"

Now how the hell did _that_ happen?

"Edward." Colonel Roy Mustang said calmly as the teenager burst into his office. "Sit down…on the other hand, stay standing. If you sit, I won't be able to see you…with the amount of paperwork I have…"

"WHO ARE YOU CALLING SO SMALL THAT HE'D HAVE TO LOOK UP TO SEE AN ATOM?!" Ed screamed, jumping up and down before flopping on the couch.

Roy smirked at the liveliness that the blonde always showed. It was the only reason Roy teased the boy…or was it?

Roy shook the thought from his head and thought of why he had called Ed to his office.

"FullMetal." Roy said calmly, staring into deep golden eyes. "The yearly assessment is coming up…you do know that, don't you."

Ed hmphed and nodded rudely.

"I have it covered." Ed muttered, looking away. "Just not…done."

"Good." Mustang answered. "Because you won't need it. The _Fuhrer_ decided to make a new assessment this year."

"Wha-" Ed gasped, genuinely confused.

"We are to make our way to Mount Alchel in Xing with one friend who can't use alchemy…and has a body…" Roy paused to glance at Ed who looked a little upset. "That means Al can't come."

"I know that Bastard." Ed growled. "I'll just have to bring someone else."

Roy sighed, knowing that Ed would bring his automail mechanic. Roy himself was bringing Hawkeye.

"Hurry then. I expect you here in 1 day. If you aren't here…you'll just have to pay a little visit to court martial land."

Ed growled and spit some insults at Roy before leaving the office, muttering angrily the whole way.

Ed had showed up the next day with Winry walking behind him. He lead her to Mustang's office, muttering about how Roy was a universal bastard.

"Edward." She demanded. "Lighten up. I hear you complaining about Colonel Mustang so much, that I think you should marry him!"

Ed's mouth dropped open at his friend's comment.

"What the HELL?! Hurry up Win, we've got to go or I'm going to be court martialed."

Winry rolled her eyes and followed the other blonde. She was secretly glad that he had chosen her. Now she could find out what he did that always ended with him breaking his automail.

"Colonel Bastard." Ed growled entering the office. "This is Winry. Winry, Colonel Bastard."

Roy and Winry both rolled their eyes at Ed and shook hands.

"Ed's told me…a lot about you." Winry said with a smile.

"Nothing good I hope." Roy smirked. The two of them instantly hit off at a good friendship.

'_I can feel…the PLOTTING!'_ Ed thought suspiciously to himself. _'__**gasp**__! Winry is going to have him force me to drink…__**milk**_!'

"Are you going to introduce me Edward?" Riza asked, showing up in the room. Ed smiled fondly at the woman. He considered her as a big sister.

"Sure." He replied. He flipped around, golden hair gliding through the air as he turned to Winry.

'_God.'_ Roy thought, slightly panting. _'He's so…__**tempting**__.'_ Roy froze as he realized what he just thought. He was _lusting_ after _**EDWARD**_?

"Winry, meet Riza Hawkeye. Riza, meet Winry Rockbell." Roy slightly pouted at the amount of respect Riza had over Ed. He wanted Ed to respect him.

The two women smiled at each other as they shook hands.

A couple of hours later found Ed, Roy, Winry, Hawkeye, Armstrong, and Havoc standing outside the three small cabins that was assigned to them.

Ed just stared at it in hate. Riza and Winry would take one cabin, Armstrong and Havoc would take another…and Ed was forced to share one with Roy.

'_GOD DAMNIT!'_ Ed thought. _'Damn it! It was either him or…__**shudder**__ Armstrong…Havoc just creeps me out though…and I swear something is going on between the two of them.'_

Ed sighed and stormed into the first cabin, claiming it as his own. When he looked around a bit, R oy walked in and saw…

"Oh hell fucking no." Ed growled, staring at the one bed in the whole place. The rest of the cabin consisted of a small table and chair, a fireplace, and a rug in front of the fireplace.

"Relax Ed." Roy muttered, walking past the blonde to sit on the bed. He quickly snapped his fingers and a blaze erupted on the fireplace's wood.

"We're the same sex."

Ed sighed and sat down on the chair, refusing to sit next to Mustang.

"Fine." Roy shrugged. "Suit yourself. The offer stays open if you change your mind."

As Ed watched, Roy started to strip off his clothes.

"What the HELL MUSTANG?!" Ed screamed, a blush running up and down his body. "WHY ARE YOU GETTING _naked_?"

Roy turned around in only his boxers to look at Ed quite seriously.

"I'm going to have sex with you Edward. Why else?"

'Wha-' Ed thought, a huge blush washing over him. 'I-is he **serious**?' 

Roy turned and got under the covers. Ed obviously couldn't tell if it was a joke or not.

"I was joking FullMetal." He muttered. "Don't be a wus and get in." Roy patted the spot next to him before an evil smirk spread on his lips.

"Or are you too short…?"

Ed snapped and tore off his cloak, cover shirt, shirt, pants, and boots. He growled as he gracefully swung in bed.

"I _am NOT SHORT_!" Ed growled. "I got in here just fine." He turned away from the chuckling Mustang and fell asleep.

A/N- Okay, since this turned out to be too long, I decided that I should break it off into sections…hopefully only two. Review and seeya next time!

Ja ne


	3. Alchemy Assessment on Mt Alchel Pt 2

A/N- Here's the next chapter! Remember, part credit goes to Allyn Jordon. I shall accept any story ideas from people. Just PM me them, and if I like them, partial credit goes to the person who gives me the idea. QuitexSoul, I expect you to give me one! Smiles!!!

Alchemy Assessment on Mt. Alchel Part 2- 

Winry and Riza stood outside the cabin's window, an evil glint in the two of their eyes. Winry really had an influence on Riza since Riza was going through with this evil plan.

They quietly sneaked in Roy and Ed's cabin, quietly moving their plan in motion.

Ed's eyes fluttered open as the rays of sunlight shone through the cabin's windows. As he felt more awake, his awareness expanded…and he felt an arm around his waist.

Ed's eyes slowly turned to stare right into Roy's face.

'_OMFG!!!! WHAT THE HELL IS HE PUL-'_

"Mfg…Ed…listen, about that kiss…"

Ed's eyes widened as Roy spoke in his sleep, a blush quickly creeping onto his face.

Slowly, he let his eyes shut, deciding that for now, he would ignore Roy's arms…or maybe secretly enjoy it.

**15 minutes later…**

Roy slowly let his eyes open as he felt Ed move…wait…felt?! Roy quickly snapped his head to face Ed, when he saw his arm around the blonde's waist.

'_God…stupid dreams! I hate it when I act out my fuckin dreams.'_ Roy sighed and reluctantly…wait RELUCTANTLY?!

Roy drew his arm away from Ed and ran it down his own face.

'_I'm such a perv…and a pedophile…to lust after some kid…no. Ed's not a kid. He barely even had a childhood…'_

He sighed and sat up, finding that he actually slept that night…that the images of all those Ishballans didn't enter his dreams. That Ed's face filled Roy's dreams.

'_Oooookay…time for a COLD shower.'_ Roy rushed from the room, entering the small bathroom, tearing off his clothes, and jumping in the shower.

Ed smirked as he sat up in the bed. Ha, Ed-1 Roy-0. He yawned and pulled off his boxers. He mumbled incoherent words as he made his way to his suitcase, pulling out a fresh pair of clothes.

He pulled a black muscle shirt, and had his pants up about halfway when Roy decided to get out of the shower…naked.

Roy and Ed stood still, staring each other up and down for about 5 minutes until both silently turned away and quietly dressed, both of them trying to figure out what the HELL was WRONG with them.

As Ed finished, he pulled out a military ration's bar. Munching on it, he made his way outside where everyone else was sitting, staring at him.

"What the hell do you want?" Ed muttered, sitting next to Winry. They all shrugged and finished gathering their things, making sure that they had everything they needed.

"So what we have to do is make our way down the mountain using strictly alchemy, bringing our partner with us. Not a scratch can be found on your partner…is that right?" Ed asked as Roy walked out of the cabin.

"Pretty much. We've got a time limit. I'll take the North route down, Ed the West, and Armstrong the East. See you at the finish line."

Ed quietly grabbed Winry's arm, dragging her to the left.

"Winry, stay close, and behind me. I can see that nothing hurts you."

Winry smiled and followed Ed. Ed was more like the Colonel than he liked to think.

Every now and then Winry heard Ed clap his hands and clear the path. Winry sighed in contentment. Riza and her had spied at Roy and Ed, and they clearly had mixed feelings for each other.

"Well well, if it isn't the FullMetal Alchemist." A familiar voice called out.

"Shit!" Ed cursed, grabbing Winry and dodging an arm coming directly in their path.

"Winry, hide! It's Scar. He's a psychopath out to kill state alchemists!"

Winry nodded and nervously ran off to the cover of the trees.

Ed thought quickly, and clapped his hands, slamming them against the snow.

The cold white substance swiftly moved, encasing Scar's arms, merging with them, and instantly turning them black.

The Ishballan hissed and glared at Ed before running off. Ed smirked and soon the two of them were quickly on their way.

They made it about halfway down the mountain when they reached more trouble…bigger trouble than Scar.

"Edward Elric."

Winry snapped her head in the direction of the face to find a face she didn't expect to ever see again.

"Mr. Hughes? I-is that you?" Ed's eyes narrowed as he shoved Winry to the ground.

"Fuckin, God, Mother, Shit!" Ed swore, quickly making his arm into a handblade, shoving it into Hughes' heart.

"Edward!" Winry shrieked angrily. "How could you…you…he's alive?"

"Envy…why the hell are you here?!"

"Envy? Who's he?"

"Winry!" Ed snapped, furious eyes bearing into her innocent ones. "You wanted to know why my automail keeps breaking, well he's most of the reason. _Stay out of my way_ and _stay silent_!"

Winry was set aback. Ed had never talked to her like that. It all became clear when Hughes transformed into a girly looking guy with green hair wearing a tight shirt and skort.

Ed lunged again at Envy, snarling his hatred for the sin.

"Ed, move back!" Roy yelled as he ran into the clearing. "Riza, take Miss Rockbell and _go!_"

Ed quickly did a back flip, moving out of flame distance.

BOOM BOOM 

**BOOM**

**BOOM**

**BO-RUMBLE RUMBLE RUMBLE**

Envy rejuvenated, and turned to a huge mass of white making its way towards the group. 

"Oh. My God." Ed whispered as he grabbed Roy's arm and ran fast as hell towards a nearby cave.

"Run like hell Roy. To the back of the cave if you want to live." Ed muttered as he ran like hell towards the back of the cave.

What the two of them didn't notice was Envy following them, not really scared because he could always dig his way out without dying.

Ed panted and fell against the wall, leaning against Roy too tired to care.

"First Lust, now Envy." Roy muttered. Ed faced him, a serious look on his face.

"I met up with Scar." Ed whispered. Roy's eyes slightly widened at Ed's words.

"You okay? That guy's a serious psychopath."

"You to." Ed slightly joked. "But I don't complain." They snickered together when another voice enter the darkness.

"Sorry to break up this wonderful bonding moment, but I see that the Colonel doesn't have his gloves, and we seemed to be snowed in."

"Envy." Ed groaned, collapsing against the cave's frozen wall.

"Yes sexy?"

Ed jumped and slammed against Roy as his golden eyes met Envy's violet ones.

"WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT FOR BASTARD?!" Ed screamed at Envy. He held a hand to his chest, making sure his heart was still beating.

"I wanted to be _close_ to you." Envy replied, using a seductive tone.

Ed nervously jumped from Roy's lap and made his way to sit across from Mustang and the homunculus.

"Envy…are you _hitting _on me?!"

"Of course." Envy was now at Ed's side again as he licked the outershell of Ed's ear.

Ed shrieked like a little girl and jumped away.

"D-don't do that!" Ed whispered, his resolve faltering.

"Don't do what, Edo-chan? This?" Envy ran a hand down Ed's thigh, getting close to his privates.

Ed jumped away from Envy and looked at Roy with pleading eyes.

"Roy…help me!"

Mustang smirked and sat next to Ed, placing a possessive arm around Ed.

"Back off Envy, he's mine."

Strangely, Ed felt that Roy was being deadly serious.

Envy sneered and backed off.

"Sha. Whatever."

A/N-sigh. Man, I guess this shall be put into 3 parts. Man, I thought I could make it 2…oh well. Seeya next time.

**Ja ne**


	4. Alchemy Assessment on Mt Alchel Pt 3

**A/N- Okay this is my last part to this oneshot. Do not expect me to continue this, because remember, this is a **_**oneshot**_**. AU maybe…Allyn Jordon came up with the idea, I filled it out. Partial credit goes out to her.**

Alchemy Assessment on Mt. Alchel Part 3- 

"Thanks…Roy." Ed muttered as he leaned against the wall next to the Colonel. Envy was now asleep, and muttering some _very_ suggestive things about Ed.

Roy blinked a couple of times before smiling. Ed always called him a bastard…or Mustang. He'd never called him by his first name.

Now if only he'd say it moani- _'Don't go there Roy Mustang!'_ Roy shook his head to clear the thoughts from his head. _'I curse myself for my perverted mind!'_

"You're welcome…Edward."

Ed smiled and unconsciously leaned closer to Roy. Roy slightly smirked as he felt Ed snuggle closer…until he felt Ed shivering.

"Ed! You're shivering!" Roy shot forward to run his hands over Ed's body, poking in different places, and making him bleed a little…yet Ed said nothing.

"What are you doing?" Ed muttered, his lips now a pale blue. Roy cursed under his breath and started pulling off Ed's clothes.

"WHAT THE HELL?!" Ed croaked, his eyes wide.

"Shut up! If I don't do this, you're going to lose more body parts to Frostbite."

Ed silenced a little. He didn't need another automail arm or leg, the ones he got was already too much of a pain…literally.

Roy now had Ed dressed in only his boxers when he started taking off the majority of his clothes as well.

Ed blushed bright crimson and turned away.

'Why's he…his this frostbite an excuse to…' 

As soon as Roy was dressed in only his boxers as well, he brought Ed to his chest, and pulled Ed's cloak and Roy's jacket around them.

"The best thing to do in this type of scenario is to use body warmth." Roy said, his hot minty breath blowing on to Ed's face.

Ed's blush grew brighter as he snuggled closer to Roy, longing for the human contact that he had lost when his mother died.

"Listen…Roy…"

Mustang looked Ed right in the eyes, finding that the teenager was really confused.

"Yeah…Ed?"

"Um…why-why are you doing this? Why help me?"

Roy frowned at Ed's wild words. "Edward…It's because I-I…" He sighed and looked away from Ed, focusing on the ground. "It's because I love you."

BAMB!!! 

Envy shot up from sleep, shielding his eyes from the abrupt sunlight spilling in the cave.

Ed was blushing and trying to get out of Roy's lap, except Roy kept pulling Ed against him, keeping Ed in place.

Envy glanced at Roy and Ed and growled, quickly moving towards Ed, but Roy shot him a glare telling him off.

"Ed!" Winry's voice echoed through the cave, filled with worry.

"Colonel Mustang?! Are you in there?" Riza's voice was also filled with worry when both Riza and Winry moved towards the back of the cave, only to find Ed and Mustang…snuggling?

"Umm…Edward?" Winry had a huge blush on her face. "What exactly are you two _doing_?"

"I was confessing my love for him as I was trying to keep us from getting Frostbite."

Ed playfully punched Roy's shoulder. "Great job of being blunt Captain Obvious. Oh and Envy? Don't _EVER_ come near me again or I'll chop off your balls."

Envy's mouth dropped open before a smirked covered his face. He quickly leaped on Ed, stealing a kiss, and ran out of the cave, laughing the whole way.

"COME BACK HERE YOU SON OF A BITCH! COME BACK AND FIGHT LIKE A MAN!"

Roy growled in Envy's general direction before softly catching Ed's face in his hands, forgetting that Winry and Hawkeye were still in there.

"Here." He murmured. "Let me help you with that." His face lowered slightly to capture Ed's lips in a sweet kiss, instantly warming Ed's body.

When they parted, Winry and Riza were giggling together. Their plan had worked. The plan to get the Colonel and Ed to find out their feelings for each other.

**A/N- Okay this was mostly smuttiness, and a little Envy weirdness. So…yeah. Remember, I'm accepting ideas from people, and shall give them partial credit. QuitexSoul, that means you! Smiles.**


	5. High School Urges

**A/N-Annnnnd, this chapter idea goes to drumrole please Cassandra Kellar: Selenemoon118…me did the fillin out part.**

High School Urges-

"Hey Ed." The raven haired senior murmured quietly as he sat next to the blonde.

"Rough night?" Ed joked, a smile gracing his lips as he turned to face Roy's blank one.

"A _pipsqueak_ wouldn't let me. He kept…distracting me…"

"Roy…WHO THE HELL ARE YOU CALLING SO SHORT THAT HE HAS TO CRANE HIS NECK JUST TO SEE THE FEET OF AN ATOM????????"

"Jesus guys." Winry muttered coming to sit next to a fuming Edward. "Must you always be loud…every day?"

"Ah, Winry Rockbell." Roy greeted, a smile on his face. "How was your freshie project last night?"

Winry's face contorted with disgust with the memory of the hated project.

"DON'T bring it UP." She growled before turning to Ed. "So what'd he say this time? Call ya short? Or was he commenting upon your late night kinky sexcapades."

Ed glared at the mention short before moving closer to Roy who was grinning ear to ear at the blonde's wonderful choice of words.

"Once again, my beautiful Rockbell, you have dazzled my little Edward. Nice words…again. **Snort** kinky **snort** sexcapades."

"Ewwwe, you guys are just sic fags." A snobby girly girl sneered when she walked by. Winry slapped her forehead. Yet another death was going to happen on campus again.

Ed's golden eyes agreeably clashed with Roy's black ones as the stood up face the phobic girls.

"If you _EVER_ insult the Student Council President _EVER_ again…" Ed growled. "I _will_ kill you."

The girl who we shall call Suzy rolled her eyes.

"Sha, riiiight. Like some homos could do that. The only thing you fags can do is doin it doggie style."

This made Roy pretty pissed off, but before anything else could be said, a pretty fair looking girl passed between the group.

Ed's mouth flew open as he saw the sexy looking girl…and he meant _SEXY_.

You see, Edward Elric was pretty well known throughout Central High to be quite proud of his gayness factor. It was off the charts. Now a newbie freshie walks in front of him, a _girl_, almost gives him a hard-on…almost.

The girl wore the miniskirted uniform of the school and her Palmtree colored hair reached her thighs…which Ed couldn't help but notice a strange looking tattoo residing there.

'_Fu-I-Go…'_ Ed panted and turned away, his eyes dialating with fear.

"Ed?" Roy asked, concerned. "You okay?"

Ed shook his head and rushed off to get a hold of his thoughts.

'_Fuck this uniform! Damn this girlie looking fuckin body! Curse those fuckin Student Council Members and the stupid students for callin me a FUCKIN GIRL!!!!!!!'_ Envy thought to himself as he shamefully walked past the blonde Vice President and the black haired President.

'_I'll show them……hey…the blonde guy looks a little freaked out…'_ Envy shook all thoughts from his head except for one.

'_It's payback time.'_

Ed sighed as he got out of his Historical Alchemy Studies class. He still couldn't get that girl out of his head. It was literally killing him!

'_Fuck. I. Am. GAY. How am I-I mean she's a GIRL. I love ROOOY. Not a female. Roy.'_

Ed turned to his locker, quietly turning the combination. _'12-25-5'_ He gently placed his Alchemy Studies book back in the locker, pulling out his lunch. Other than Alchemy Studies, Lunch was his favorite time of the day.

He heard some gasps and whisperings coming from the end of the hall, and Ed was going to see what was going on when his boyfriend showed up.

"Hey Edo. So what's it for lunch this time?" Ed frowned in slight annoyance at his current thoughts before pulling Roy into a hug.

"Damn Roy." Ed muttered. "I'm having some fuckin insecure thoughts right now."

Roy slightly tilted his head in curiosity when Ed saw the girl from earlier walk calmly stop behind Roy, waiting for Ed and Roy to turn to face her.

There were 2 main factors that delighted/occurred to Ed. 1, the girl was naked. 2, was that the girl was actually a _guy_.

Roy's confusion deepened when he saw an utter look of happiness and joy overcome Ed's features.

"Ed?"

Ed ignored his boyfriend and glomped, LITERALLY _GLOMPED_ the guy…who was still naked.

"THANK YOU!!!!!" Ed gushed, a victorious smirk on his face.

"Uhh…for what?" the guys voice even sounded feminine. Roy stared stock still in shock as he saw _his_ boyfriend _glomp_, a fangirl/boy term, the new kid Envy.

"Being a guy!!!!!!!" Ed then gave Envy a sloppy kiss on the lips and gently made his way back to Roy.

"Umm…I guess…" Envy muttered in confusement. "I'm Envy Curtis? How bout you?"

"Edward Elric, nice to mee-OH MY FUCKING GOD!!!!"

'_Okay, what's it this time?'_ Roy thought iratably to himself.

Both Envy and Ed were furiously wiping their mouths in disgust and remorse.

"YOU'RE THAT BASTARD'S BASTARD SON?" Envy growled. Ed's face grew even more red with fury.

"AT LEAST I'M NOT HONEHEIMS FAILURE SON!!!"

That's when Roy finally got the picture. Edward Elric, his boyfriend had felt attracted to, hugged, and kissed his naked half-brother.

'_Well.'_ Roy thought with a shrug of his shoulders. _'At least he didn't try to make out with Al again.'_

**A/N-So how was it? Remember, credit to Cassandra Kellar as well.**


	6. Military Mayhem

Yaoi One shots – Military Mayhem

A/N: OMFG. I'm SOOOsorry I haven't updated in FOREVER! My laptop broke, my computer is TOO old, and I can't recover my new chapters I'd already typed up for Bloodred Magic. Well, any way, here's the new chapter. Story credit to Cassandra Kellar. And thanks to Allyn for typing this chapter for me.

Allyn: You owe me big time. 

Yaoi-FMA-Fan: I'll give you a hersheys. (waves the chocolate in Allyn's face.)

Allyn: (Grabs chocolate) Deal. Now I'm going to hide, because of this story. (Walks off while Yaoi grins.

Yaoi-FMA-Fan: Enjoy!

[Story Start

"Listen Al…" Ed muttered softly, looking down from his brother's expectant fac. "I've got something to tell you….something I kept from you."

Al arched an eyebrow (Yes an eyebrow) at his older brother. Maybe Ed was going to explain his recent behavior.

"Well I kind of…" Ed mumbled the last few words almost to low for Al to hear, making Al go into shock and gleeful disbelief. 

"YOU LOVE THE GENERAL!"

[Unknowingly to the Elric brothers, a certain someone was perched right outside their room.

The next day found a very angry chibi standing in front of a very dear General…

"ASSHOLE!" Ed yelled, fury radiating from his eyes, as he slammed his fists into the desk. "Why can't Al come with me? We go everywhere together!"

"Exactly." Roy replied calmly, looking Ed right in the eyes. "You 'come' together on every mission. The two of you are to 'joined' together."

Ed blushed brightly and forcefully got close to the man, the air thick with negative energy. 

"Don't you EVER imply that me and Al-"Ed's furious voice was cut off by Roy.

"Al needs to plan his wedding, does he not?"

Ed blushed and threw his head to the side. "It's beside the point." The blond drew back and started walking around the room, deep in thought.

"Edward." Roy smirked, a smugness only the bastard could attain. "Will you stop pacing? I can't see you with this 'little' amount of paperwork."

Ed froze and began to twitch. "Short?" The blonds voice was strained and beyond recognition. "WHO ARE YOU CALLING SHORT!"

"Why I thought I made it clear, shorty!"

Ed's eyes flashed demonically as he slammed his palms into the desk, dangerously close to the raven haired man's gloved ones.

"Look you, you useless half-witted—"Ed's words were interrupted as Roy forced their lips together.

Ed blushed brightly as Roy glided his tongue into the chibi's mouth. "I won't hurt you." Roy muttered, sliding off Ed's shirt.

Ed remained in a shocked daze. Everything he dreamed of was happening…wait—everything was happening to fast!

Without even lubricating, Roy (now naked) plunged into Ed's ass (because Edward is also naked). He remained still, allowing Edward to come accustomed to the pain.

Before long Roy was thrusting in and out of Ed, the blonde screaming Roy's name in ecstasy…that's when it got ugly.

Things started feeling strange—and expansion was spreading within his ass.

'What the hell?' Ed thought. That was when Roy called him the name only one person on Earth would dare call him.

"Having fun o'chibi?"

"ENVY?" Ed screamed, trying to pull away from the impersonator was slowly turning back into the original.

"Fullmetal, Hawkeye told me—what the hell?" Roy was standing in the doorway, and he saw…him? Fucking Edward.

Ed felt something pop out of his mouth; Envy was now back to his original form.

Envy turned to face the real General Mustang, dragging/carrying Ed with him.

Two things hit Roy at that time.

Ed was trying to have kinky sex with Roy which was actually Envy impersonating him.

…this one Roy voiced out.

"Ed…WHAT'S THAT!"

Roy had a comical look on his face as he pointed to what was hanging out of Ed's mouth…the 'head' of Envy's penis.

Envy smirked as a certain white fluid squirted from Ed's mouth, covering Roy's eyes.

A moment passed before realization hit the General.

"Waaaahhh!" The usually strong willed man girlishly screamed his hands in the air as he ran around in circles.

"Cum in my eyes! Homunclus CUM IN MY EYES!"

When Roy cleared his eyes, he saw Envy bounding away, manically laughing as Ed bounced up and down on the giant penis.

'Hmmm…oh well.' Roy thought, shrugging his shoulders. 'There goes my prodigy.'

A/N: Okay, this is it. How was it? Damn, I was (and still am) into Legolas/Aragoru, but now I have a new fave…HaoXYoh from Shaman King. If anyone can give me the title of one of those pairings, it would be gratefully appreciated. 


	7. Pleasures of life and death

**A/N-I havn't really gotten any reviews for these stories yet, maybe you'll review after looking at the new title…anyway, Cassandra Kellar came up with the idea (Selenemoon118) and our friend, Brittany Stropkai (strop-k-I) had the unfortunancy to have someone from her family that this sort of happened to…enjoy!**

Pleasures of Life and Death-

Ed was heavily panting as he was pinned to the wall by a very familiar Fuhrer.

"You. Me. Here. Now." The silky voice breathed out into the blonde's ear, causing Ed to send a ripple of shivers down his body.

"R-Roy. Al's w-waiting!"

"Al can wait." Apparently Roy was pretty good at what he was doing, because a moment later both men were already stripped of their clothing.

"Roy…" Ed groaned as the raven-haired male moved his lips to the chibi's shoulder, the man's bare leg between Ed's. A small blush nestled on his face.

_**Knock. Knock.**_

"Sir?" Hawkeye's voice said through the door. "Sorry to interrupt you and the General, but Al said to tell him that he's going on home and said to have fun." Ed sweat dropped when Roy just nodded, but continued his work.

That's when an evil, wicked idea struck his head.

"Roy, will you-" Ed blushed and looked away, fully aware that the man couldn't resist it.

"Will you what?" Roy breathed, his eyes full of lust.

"Willyoueatoutmyass?!"

A comical twitching face covered Roy as he leaned away from Ed, quite obviously soft…

"No!"

"Pleaaaase?"

"No!!"

"Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeease?!"

"NO!"

"Pleeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaase!!"

"God DAMNIT Ed, I said NO!!"

A few tears began to collect then fall from Ed's eyes. "P-p-p-please don't do this to me…I guess I'll just have to go to Armstrong for that experience." As the blonde turned to go, a hand snatched his arm.

"No! Okay, fine, I fuckin do it, just….don't go to Armstrong, you got that?"

Ed inwardly grinned in triumph as Roy flipped Ed to where the chibi's butt hung in the air.

"Can't believe I'm doing this." Roy muttered just before he stuck his pink tongue in Ed's…hole…(**A/N-hopefully all of you know what I mean by now…)**

Ed's blush brightened as he realized that Roy was actually _good_ at it He tried stifling back the moan…but then _it_ exploded.

FAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAART!

A peculiar stench filled the air, and Roy's mouth was starting to taste funky….then it hit the Fuhrer on what happened.

_O.M.F.G. Ed just farted._ Roy thought as he tried pulling his tongue from the blonde's as…but…_it's stuck!_

Ed was blushing at this moment and turned to face his distressed lover.

"Roy, do you need a f-fan or something?" Roy moved his cobalt eyes to glare at him as if to say: Do you really HAVE to ASK?!

Ed hesitantly laughed and clapped his hands together, slamming them against the office's floor, causing a small fan to appear.

"Sorry Mustang." The blonde muttered, looking down. He wasn't all that sure that he'd be able to face the Fuhrer ever again…

SLAM! The noise sounded loudly as a very familiar narcissist homunculus stood in the doorway.

"Fuhrer Bastard, you-you…" Envy sweat dropped at the unusual scene. "Umm….what are you doing to my chibi-chan?"

"He's eating me out." Ed muttered as if it were nothing.

Rage filled the PMSing, bipolar homunculus, as Envy lifted his foot to kick Roy in the ass.

FFFFFFFFFFFAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT!!

Roy slightly blushed and pulled on his gloves. Ed was snickering, and Ed was gagging in shock. _Now's my chance!_ Roy thought, bringing his fingers together.

SNA-BOOM!

Utter chaos erupted at the same time as the flames spinning wildly out of control. Only one thought spun through everyone's head at that moment: Oh Fuck.

And this I how a girly, obsessive, PMSing, bipolar homunculus, a narcissist Fuhrer, and a short alchemist prodigy died.

**A/N-Please tell me what you think. Was it funny? Check out Bloodred Magic, and credit goes to Cassandra Kellar (Selenemoon118) and Brittany Stropkai.**


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